Grappling with the Could’ve, Should’ve, Would’ve’s, and Guilt
Your role as a parent is probably the biggest responsibility you'll take on in your lifetime. And one of the most complex. When children are infants, their lives literally depend on you. As they grow, your job slowly shifts from life protector to instructor, role model, nurturer, cheerleader, the list goes on. So it's easy to understand why parents fall into the trap of living their lives for their children or feeling their children's lives belong to them.
You are your child's parent and your child's life belonged to your child, not you. You played a significant role in her life, but it wasn't your life. Your child takes up a tremendous space in your life and heart, but she wasn't your life and heart. You still have your life and heart.
For whatever reason, your child's life path ended it when it did. It's brutal, it hurt like hell. The circumstances of his death were undoubtedly hurtful in and of themselves. Your life is completely changed and has a huge hole in it with your child's name written on it. And you are still alive (even though some days you wish you weren't).
As heartbreaking as it may be to read and believe that, it is actually very freeing if you can accept it and own it, because it means:
You can release what "should've been" because it isn't reality. If it should've been, it would've been. While you may not like the journey your child's life took, it was his/her journey.
Same for "could've been". Your could've been is your vision for your child's life, not reality, nor probably what your child's vision for his/her own life would've been. What good is it serving you to hold on to this story of the could've been?
Guilt. You didn't choose your child's path. You were not responsible for his/her death. Your child was his/her own person; you didn't have ultimate control over what happened. If you did, it would've had turned out very differently. Yes, there are probably things you can justifiably feel guilty about, and you really should do something about those things (I'll follow up more on that in the future with ideas).
If your child's life isn't yours, what else does this mean? Your life is NOT your child's. You are responsible for your life today. You get to decide how you live today, tomorrow, next week. You get to decide your ongoing relationship with grief and pain.
You absolutely,100% have to engage in a relationship with those uncomfortable, horrible feelings. Avoiding and ignoring them doesn't make them cease to exist. But you also get to choose, is this where you want to stay or would you like a different daily reality?
All of this speaks to the more universal guilt we 'borrow'. This is the guilt we bereaved parents tend to adopt simply because our child died and we could've, should've been able to do something to stop it.
Now how about the guilt we 'own'? This is the guilt you carry for specific things. The time you snapped at your child and made them cry, the missed opportunities to spend more quality time with them, the specific time you forgot to give them medication, the time you said no when you wish you'd said yes, the list goes on and on and on....
First, give yourself a break. EVERY parent makes mistakes, learns as they go along, has regrets etc. No.Parent.Is.Perfect. Nor does any person parent perfectly. That's life, give up trying to be perfect, you'll just get frustrated.
Secondarily, stop trying to ignore the guilty feelings, or talk yourself out of them, or rationalize them. Just like all the other shitty, uncomfortable feelings that come with grief in order to actually be free from guilt, you have to tackle it head on with the guilt you feel surrounding your deceased child.
Below are a few ways you can do that:
Write a list of every single thing you feel guilty about, no matter how small. When you're done review the list. Are there things you can genuinely forgive yourself for? If so do it, verbally say it. Now for the things you can't...
Write a letter to your child listing the things you can't forgive yourself for. If you want to explain yourself go for it, if it's not necessary don't. Apologize and ask for forgiveness for each of the specific things. Finish the letter with words of love and whatever else you want to include.
Have a conversation with your child doing the same as above. Stop and listen, you may just hear from your child.
If you've already apologized and asked for forgiveness from your child and yourself, but still can't seem to shake the guilt, examine your present life. Did you ask for forgiveness for something you still do? For example, did you ask for forgiveness for not being more present with your deceased child and yet you still don't show up for your living children? Well, learn the lesson!!! Show up and I bet once you make that shift your subconscious will allow you to let go of the guilt.
When a guilty thought pops up, listen to it and question it. Why am I feeling guilty about this? What is the pay off for me to continue to carry this guilt? Have I asked for forgiveness (both from myself and my child)? Is this something that was really under my control or am I feeling guilty as a way of feeling in control? What am I afraid of if I let go of the guilt?
Hope these suggestions help. Guilt serves a purpose, when it changes behaviors that can be changed. Then let it go and be free :)
