Resources to Support
Giving Good Support.
Knowing how to provide support to someone who is grieving can be tough. Hear directly from a variety of people what works, what doesn’t, and how friends and family showed up for them in meaningful and helpful ways.
What to Say and Do.
THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO IS SHOW UP. Be there. And not just in the first few weeks, but in the months and years down the road.
What is meant by that?
Mention the child’s name. Share the memories you have of him/her. There isn’t a single thing parents treasure more than knowing their child is remembered.
Listen to them, whether they are laughing or crying. Parents need to feel a wide range of emotions and feel safe experiencing them all.
Let them talk about their child in the same way you talk about your living loved ones. He/she is still just as real in their life.
Ask five questions instead of offering advice.
Set up a standing date to just be together. Sometimes parents may not mention their grief and other times they may be overwhelmed with thoughts of their child. Knowing they have somewhere to be, with someone who holds space for them is such a relief and develops a sense of safety and ability to process their grief.
If you have a question, ask your loved one if they mind you asking about something. It’s still sometimes hard to talk about subjects, but you showing interest in their journey makes a difference. In time they may open up because you’ve shown interest and asked. It can provide good opportunities for communication and processing their journey.
In helping with things, especially logistics, offer all the options (which could include making a decision for the parents) and allow the parents the opportunity to make all decisions.
Take photos, write down your memories, and ask for parents’ memories and record them to share with them later.
What Not to Do.
Don’t ignore what happened. They haven’t forgotten and you aren’t reminding them of something that isn’t already on their mind every moment of every day.
Don’t start crying or falling apart when they are not. Show you care, but don’t get overly emotional about their child’s loss. They don’t want to have to feel like they have to comfort you. They don’t have the energy.
Don’t give advice, just listen and empathize.
Don’t tell them: “He’s at peace now”, “She’s in a better place now”, or “He’s out of pain”. First, it doesn’t take away the pain. Secondarily, your belief system may not be theirs; you have no idea where he/she is.
Grief is not easy for anyone but being a kind, thoughtful friend WILL always be remembered. And please forgive them for the times they seem not to care, or come across as ungrateful or rude. A mind and heart in grief is overwhelmed. You are appreciated.
Tangible Ways to Help.
Many parents find it hard to accept help, feeling like a burden and will say no to general offers for help. Instead offer something specific in a specific time frame…in a respectful way that doesn’t overstep boundaries or their privacy. That’s a delicate and hard balance to navigate so here are some suggestions:
Send periodic simple “Thinking of you” messages. They don’t need to be deep and meaningful words of wisdom, in fact it’s probably best they aren’t. It just a way to remind them someone cares. This includes all the times beyond holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.
Drop a card in the mail, not just around the funeral, or even death or birth dates but at any given moment it crosses your mind. It always feels better knowing people out there care and remember.
Dropping off meals or gift certificates to restaurants is wonderful! No visit necessary. The meal train always stops soon after the funeral. A few meals a month through the first year would be nice. Believe it or not, some days getting out of bed is still hard…even a year later.
In the beginning mundane tasks are awful. Cleaning, grocery shopping, mowing the lawn. Either step in and do it for them (without expecting to visit with them) or hire someone to do it for them.
Call and keep calling even if they don’t return calls right away. When they do talk, listen even when it’s uncomfortable for you.
Do they have other kids? Offer to take them to practices, events, or even with your family so they feel “normal”.
Compile a book of memories or stories of their child from people who knew him/her and give it to the parents.
Sibling Support.
We’ve got a web page and section on our YouTube Channel dedicated to supporting surviving siblings. The topics include:
Navigating Family Decisions - After the death of child many decisions need to be made, some fairly quickly. It can often be hard for grieving parents to navigate through them all, let alone consider the impacts to surviving siblings. The following ideas are based on the feedback of now adult siblings reflecting back on their childhood experiences.
Items to Consider - In the pdf are ideas parents, other family members, and friends may consider in providing on going support for the surviving siblings.