Keeping a Connection
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” – Winnie the Pooh
Grief is “deep sadness or sorrow” caused by a loss. The sadness and sorrow come from the severed connection. When we lose someone we can’t finish the conversation or resolve the disagreement. Often things are left unasked, unsaid, or unanswered.
Even when all the things are said and the parting is sweet, there is deep sadness because the chance to start a new conversation or simply being in the presence of one another isn’t possible.
Although it still hurts, we expect to face the loss of our grandparents, parents and others of an older generation. Likewise, we aren’t sure how it’ll shake out, but we know the possibility of out living our significant other, siblings, and other contemporaries is real. What parents don’t anticipate is giving up the presence of their children.
When a baby is born, parents figure on being stuck with their child, for better or worse, for the remainder of their lives. Parents plan on being the ones to make the permanent exit. Living without their children feels unnatural and just plain wrong to grieving parents.
The disconnect between the past and the present, fearing guilt or anger, can be powerful blocks to growth. Re-establishing a connection with your child, including your child’s spirit in your present life, brings significant solace, relief, and a sense of permission to continue living.
Some parents naturally connect with their deceased children, others especially parents of children who couldn’t carry on a conversation, don’t see it as possible.
A connection can be established and nurtured in any number of ways.
Signs – When you see your child’s sign you know they are connecting with you. It can be anything with a personal meaning. For me it’s ladybugs and rainbows. For others I know, it ranges from eagles and red cardinals, to pennies and feathers.
Dreams – Some dreams are inevitably you processing your experiences. But some can be your child speaking to you through your dreams as it’s a time when your defenses are down and your heart more open.
Conversation – Yep, good old fashioned conversation. I have them regularly with Alison. They are typically in my thoughts – not me speaking out loud. But I do “hear” from her nonetheless. In those convos I’ll often ask for a sign if I’m on the right track.
Writing – Below I’ll offer a way that many parents have used to start back up a communication with their child.
Through this specific writing activity, you’ll be led through a way to communicate openly and honestly in order to start releasing some of the guilt, shame, and fear you may carry around living without your child.
Here’s what I suggest you do:
Get grounded with a breathing exercise (link to recent post)
Write continuously for 30 minutes – this means keeping your pen to paper without stopping
Begin a letter or dialogue to your child and consider including the following:
Thank your child for a blessing or lesson you’ve gained through them
Ask any questions that have been left unanswered
Address any unresolved guilt you have – be as specific as possible about particular instances, feelings etc.
Say whatever you have left unsaid
When you’re done, be gentle with yourself and re-engage with the world slowly. This is some heavy lifting you’ve just done.
I “talk” with Alison frequently. Her presence in my life is subtle, yet it frees me to move forward, living a bold and fun life. Even though she loved the water, because of her tracheostomy, Alison couldn’t swim.
When I’m in the line up on my surfboard and see a rainbow, I don’t feel guilty for enjoying my life in ways she couldn’t. I know Alison is smiling down, happy her mommy is playing in the water in ways she couldn’t.
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