When Grief Can Sit Beside You
“At the bottom of every feeling is a positive lesson to be learned.” – Gay Hendricks
How often have you driven to work on automatic pilot only vaguely aware of your surroundings? Or you listen to the same radio station or podcast with half of your attention.
We do the same with our feelings and emotions. If I asked you how you’re feeling at this moment, would you be able to tell me? What about how you feel about how you are feeling?
One day about a year after losing Alison, I decided I’d had enough of feeling sad, of carrying around the burdens of trying to build a new life. I felt I had no answers, knowing nothing but that I was going stir crazy. I didn’t want to commit suicide, but I also didn’t really want to do life anymore.
My solution: I emptied my fridge and cupboards figuring I’d simply starve myself.
A few hours later my phone rang, “You want to join us at Jade Garden?” You bet I was in for some good Chinese food! I was hungry. So much for starving myself.
Throwing out all my food was one version of numbing out and turning off life for the moment. Fortunately for me, I had friends who showed up unwittingly with just the right antidote. This incident woke me up, helping me to realize I was already feeling a range of emotions – not just lows. In one day I’d hit a low and bounced to a high enough place to hang out with friends. In a restaurant. In public.
It was time to stop running and start being more deliberate and conscious with my feelings. I was ready to feel pain more consciously and live in each moment, knowing this too would pass.
Handling grief, and not handling it, comes in waves. Some days there’s no escaping it and others there’s no solution but escaping it. And often the decision doesn’t feel voluntary - grief is manning the ship. It’s embodying the grieving.
And there comes a point where you no longer want grief to embody you, but rather to sit beside you. By becoming aware of how you’re feeling at any given moment, you’ll no longer be so blown and tossed about by your emotions. Being aware of feelings can also be scary and difficult. Because of the enormity of the pain, you may discover you’ve been numbing out, moving through your days as tuned out as possible.
In order to move forward with discovering what kind of future will bring satisfaction and joy, in creating a life that feels good, it really helps to know how you feel now. Getting clear on what brings on bad feelings and which builds upon feeling good helps move grief to a place beside you.
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